Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tasha vs Tasha

I'm having an argument with myself and trying to decide who wins.

I'm lucky right now and have a bit of a dream job. I get to edit and work at home. I don't have to go anywhere, which is awesome since I'm a homebody. I can stay home for days and be perfectly fine. (House arrest would be cake if I ever got in trouble.) I don't have to make fake chit chat or act cheery if I don't want to. I don't have someone looking over my shoulder. I can have bad hair days, my clothes don't have to match, I can talk to myself. I work with cats on my lap. Best of all? I don't even have to get dressed if I don't want to. And that's where the argument comes in.

This is a 7 month contract job that I'm 4 months into and I'll soon be "back to work." This is a much needed break from the "real work-world" and it feels like I'm getting time off. Part of me thinks I should get up early and get dressed every day so it's not such a shock when I have to do that again. The other part tells me I should relax and enjoy what I have while I have it.

Oddly, it just came to me a few weeks ago that I didn't HAVE to get up at 7:30 to start working at 9 or 9:30. I could get up at 8:50 if I want! Who says I have to put on a pair of pants that button when I can wear my pajama bottoms and a robe? I feel really special and fancy when I dress up now (get dressed, rather). Unfortunately, this is resulting in me not feeling so great about myself. I don't like that I feel lazy and unkempt and stagnant. I don't feel attractive. I'm in a rut where now I don't want to bike and I consider myself an avid cyclist. I'm starting to feel flabby and then I feel worse. Hey, let me have another beer and add more empty calories to my diet. Why isn't this enough motivation for me to get out there then? I know how good exercise makes me feel. Why do I feel MORE like staying in my pajamas and not doing anything for myself?

Why can't I thoroughly enjoy working from home AND keep myself motivated to take care of myself? Where's my balance? I wonder if this is how stay-at-home moms feel.

So, I continue to argue with myself while sitting at home in my pajamas, angry at myself that I'm not motivated to get up and go outside, while loving that I can sit here in my pajamas, but feeling ugly.

1 comment:

mollybennett said...

A LOT of freelancers face the same issue; why wake up and put on real clothes if you don't have to? Why put in the effort to do all of that stuff if no one is going to see you anyway? But someone WILL see you. YOU see you. I think that doing it because it makes YOU feel better about you is a perfectly fine reason; in fact, I think it's the best reason of all.