Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tasha vs Tasha

I'm having an argument with myself and trying to decide who wins.

I'm lucky right now and have a bit of a dream job. I get to edit and work at home. I don't have to go anywhere, which is awesome since I'm a homebody. I can stay home for days and be perfectly fine. (House arrest would be cake if I ever got in trouble.) I don't have to make fake chit chat or act cheery if I don't want to. I don't have someone looking over my shoulder. I can have bad hair days, my clothes don't have to match, I can talk to myself. I work with cats on my lap. Best of all? I don't even have to get dressed if I don't want to. And that's where the argument comes in.

This is a 7 month contract job that I'm 4 months into and I'll soon be "back to work." This is a much needed break from the "real work-world" and it feels like I'm getting time off. Part of me thinks I should get up early and get dressed every day so it's not such a shock when I have to do that again. The other part tells me I should relax and enjoy what I have while I have it.

Oddly, it just came to me a few weeks ago that I didn't HAVE to get up at 7:30 to start working at 9 or 9:30. I could get up at 8:50 if I want! Who says I have to put on a pair of pants that button when I can wear my pajama bottoms and a robe? I feel really special and fancy when I dress up now (get dressed, rather). Unfortunately, this is resulting in me not feeling so great about myself. I don't like that I feel lazy and unkempt and stagnant. I don't feel attractive. I'm in a rut where now I don't want to bike and I consider myself an avid cyclist. I'm starting to feel flabby and then I feel worse. Hey, let me have another beer and add more empty calories to my diet. Why isn't this enough motivation for me to get out there then? I know how good exercise makes me feel. Why do I feel MORE like staying in my pajamas and not doing anything for myself?

Why can't I thoroughly enjoy working from home AND keep myself motivated to take care of myself? Where's my balance? I wonder if this is how stay-at-home moms feel.

So, I continue to argue with myself while sitting at home in my pajamas, angry at myself that I'm not motivated to get up and go outside, while loving that I can sit here in my pajamas, but feeling ugly.